Sad news for the holidays

[Frank Reid]

"You may have heard that Bullwinkle the Moose was found dead. And a
special prosecutor was appointed to investigate the mysterious
circumstances of the moose's death.
"Most people are aware of the fact that the moose was found crushed to
death by a 16-ton anvil dropped from a great height. And of course,
everybody was certain that the moose's live-in companion (and isn't
that an interesting euphemism?) a certain hyperactive flying squirrel,
was the most likely suspect."
"Further investigation revealed a number of things. First, JPL did a
computer simulation and determined that a flying squirrel could not
achieve airspeed while carrying a 16-ton anvil, so that cleared Rocket
J. Squirrel."
"But the coroner reported that the expression on the moose's face
showed absolutely no fear, so obviously the anvil hit him unexpectedly,
or he was completely trusting of the circumstances -- which could
implicate Rocky after all. The expression on the moose's face was the
biggest smile ever seen on a Toon."
"Clutched in the moose's baseball mitt -- which he always wore when he
caught Rocky -- was a tiny statue of Krishna. The religious
significance of this is not immediately clear; neither is the
eyewitness report of a rabbi on a pogo stick rapidly leaving the
scene."
"So...if we summarize the clues in Bullwinkle's death, what we have is:
wee Vishnu, a merry crushed moose, and a hoppy Jew near."
Frank Reid

[Mike Connor]

"Frank Reid" > schrieb im Newsbeitrag
oups.com...
<SNIP>
> wee Vishnu, a merry crushed moose, and a hoppy Jew near."
> Frank Reid
>

Hells bells! That is absolutely awful!

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa ****head, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and ****ed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will ****,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"

TL
MC

[Mike Connor]

Not from me by the way, somebody sent me it per e-mail this morning.

TL
MC

[Frank Reid]

>> wee Vishnu, a merry crushed moose, and a hoppy Jew near."

>Hells bells! That is absolutely awful!

That has got to be one of the worst puns I've ever heard. Even if it
was mine, I would never claim it.
Frank Reid

[Thomas Littleton]

God Lord, was that bad!!!

[Joe McIntosh]

"Thomas Littleton" > wrote in message
news:Ys1pf.5358$CL.3390@trnddc04...
> God Lord, was that bad!!!
>
>thomas--just wanted to ease your worries per china --miteraly and
>ecocamially trade baisis--{ please excuse spelling just arrive from xmas
>party]

"Chinese authorities have become increasingly nervous in recent mounths
over the proliferation of demomstrations across the countryside----
By the government's own tally, there were 74,000 riots or other significant
public demomnsrations in 2004, a big jump from previous years.

Joe suggests - since confusas [1500 years before the specious birth of
jeasus ] set the precepts for govermental control of china every ruler has
failed ---ming ,jinmg, chianki check etc----and soon the communist with only
12 % of the population as members will fail---

The county folks with no social security or medicare will say [ and they
are getting old with one child and chinese women not marring]
pick up your pitchforks

non flyfishing--but wayno writes about Negroes---i was raised by Pearl- a
black mama who lived with us in Alabama in 1935- we paid her two dollars per
week and often had to borrow it bask to buy catrfish for friday night
supper- we were definically middle clas as my father had a regular job with
alabama power co until he played pool with some guy who was a union MAN and
my father was blackballed in south and coud not get a job
i don'tsmoke stuff but thjink i will have another manhatten
joseph

[Guy Thornberg]

I thought both quite enjoyable causing me to chuckle and realize when I read
these fine prose to Suzan, she will tell me how impressed she is that I
frequent this group.
Guy

Want me to post "Pondering 72 Virgins"?

By the way:
"wee Vishnu, a merry crushed moose, and a hoppy Jew near."
Sweedish isn't it?
and i hope santa leaves some of leftovers at my house in return for the
cookies....

[Guy Thornberg]

Thank you gentleman,
Both pieces gave me a chuckle this morning and I will share these fine prose
with Suzan, whom I am sure will tell me how impressed she is that I fequent
this group.

By the way:
"wee Vishnu, a merry crushed moose, and a hoppy Jew near!"
Sweedish isn't it?
"Shall I post "Pondering 72 Virgins"?
Guy
....no San Juan this year... slumping into catatonia...

[Guy Thornberg]

Oops! Cussed myself for loosing it and it got sent twice
G
Hi Joe!

[slenon]

>That has got to be one of the worst puns I've ever heard. Even if it
>was mine, I would never claim it.
>Frank Reid

Really bad, Frank. Thanks for the groan and the grin.

Last year I submitted a hair winged salmon fly to a contest. Named for its
major contents, it was "Moose & Squirrel" ( to be fished with Fearless
Leader) Sadly, the contest page chopped the parenthetical phrase off the
ballot or I might have received more votes from old cartoon fanciers.

Merry Crushed Moose to you
--
Stev Lenon Trout-Ski. - I have no pogo stick

[Mike Connor]

http://people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16/Jokes-christmas.html

TL
MC

[Mu Young Lee]

On Sat, 17 Dec 2005, Mike Connor wrote:
>
> 'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
> The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
> The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
> It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

<snip>

Spam becomes fodder for Connor's doggerel. The joys of modern technology!

Mu