What this place needs. . .
 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies", her husband responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

"Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone," he said.

What this place needs. . .
 

Ralph from Ohio was on holiday in London and thought he would
skip the afternoon tour and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping
at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads,
and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class
neighbourhood. Big, stately residences ... no pubs, no stores,
no restaurants, and worst of all ... no public restrooms.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness beers and
all that trouble with his prostate.

Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the
adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his
problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London
bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do
that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, really
HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "Just follow me."

He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a
gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobbie. "Whiz away,
anywhere you want."

Ralph enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he
has ever seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains,
sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in
perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is
greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was
really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British
hospitality'?"

"No sir," replied the bobbie, "that is what we call the French
Embassy."

What this place needs. . .
 

"Tim J." wrote in news:-
:

Thanks Tim, we gotta keep this place from shutting down completely.

Frank Sr.

What this place needs. . .
 

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well
dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her
dog.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that
seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed
and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't
you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but
after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again
facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I
sit there?". I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not
only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the
dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty
seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend
her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You
know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your
autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the
wrong bitch out the window."

What this place needs. . .
 

On Jan 16, 3:40*pm, "Tim J."
wrote:
Ralph from Ohio was on holiday in London and thought he would
skip the afternoon tour and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping
at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads,
and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class
neighbourhood. *Big, stately residences ... no pubs, no stores,
no restaurants, and worst of all ... no public restrooms.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness beers and
all that trouble with his prostate.

Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the
adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his
problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London
bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do
that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, really
HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "Just follow me."

He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a
gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobbie. "Whiz away,
anywhere you want."

Ralph enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he
has ever seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains,
sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in
perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is
greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was
really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British
hospitality'?"

"No sir," replied the bobbie, "that is what we call the French
Embassy."

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, René! Can
I pour you a beer?"

"I think not," says Descartes.....and vanishes.

g.

What this place needs. . .
 

On Jan 17, 6:23*pm, Giles wrote:
On Jan 16, 3:40*pm, "Tim J."
wrote:









Ralph from Ohio was on holiday in London and thought he would
skip the afternoon tour and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping
at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads,
and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class
neighbourhood. *Big, stately residences ... no pubs, no stores,
no restaurants, and worst of all ... no public restrooms.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness beers and
all that trouble with his prostate.

Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the
adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his
problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London
bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do
that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, really
HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "Just follow me."

He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a
gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobbie. "Whiz away,
anywhere you want."

Ralph enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he
has ever seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains,
sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in
perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is
greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was
really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British
hospitality'?"

"No sir," replied the bobbie, "that is what we call the French
Embassy."

René Descartes walks into a bar. *The bartender says, "Hey, René! Can
I pour you a beer?"

"I think not," says Descartes.....and vanishes.

g.

Not very funny,

You're putting Descartes before the horse.

What this place needs. . .
 

On Jan 17, 2:35*pm, Frank Church wrote:
"Tim J." wrote in news:-
:

Thanks Tim, we gotta keep this place from shutting down completely.

Frank Sr.

TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40
years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he
explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age
of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near
what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty
years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then
she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were
worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the
largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than four decades she had 'charged' him
for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of
her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found
his voice and blurted out, “if I'd had any idea what you were doing, I
would have given you all my business!”

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths
shut.

What this place needs. . .
 

On Jan 18, 6:02*am, rw56 wrote:
On Jan 17, 6:23*pm, Giles wrote:





On Jan 16, 3:40*pm, "Tim J."
wrote:

Ralph from Ohio was on holiday in London and thought he would
skip the afternoon tour and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping
at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads,
and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class
neighbourhood. *Big, stately residences ... no pubs, no stores,
no restaurants, and worst of all ... no public restrooms.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness beers and
all that trouble with his prostate.

Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the
adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his
problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London
bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do
that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, really
HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "Just follow me."

He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a
gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobbie. "Whiz away,
anywhere you want."

Ralph enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he
has ever seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains,
sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in
perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is
greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was
really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British
hospitality'?"

"No sir," replied the bobbie, "that is what we call the French
Embassy."

René Descartes walks into a bar. *The bartender says, "Hey, René! Can
I pour you a beer?"

"I think not," says Descartes.....and vanishes.

g.

Not very funny,

You're putting Descartes before the horse.

moron

g.

What this place needs. . .
 

"Tim J." wrote in message
...
Ralph from Ohio was on holiday in London and thought he would
skip the afternoon tour and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping
at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads,
and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class
neighbourhood. Big, stately residences ... no pubs, no stores,
no restaurants, and worst of all ... no public restrooms.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness beers and
all that trouble with his prostate.

Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the
adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his
problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London
bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do
that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, really
HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "Just follow me."

He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a
gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobbie. "Whiz away,
anywhere you want."

Ralph enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he
has ever seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains,
sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in
perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is
greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was
really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British
hospitality'?"

"No sir," replied the bobbie, "that is what we call the French
Embassy."

Much appreciate from someone this side of the pond....:-)

Bill