Aquarius: Jan 21st - Feb 19th
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You
lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you
are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk. You enjoy getting
screwed by large inanimate objects.

Pisces: Feb 20th - Mar 19th
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the FBI or aliens. You have a minor influence on your friends and
people resent you for flaunting what you confuse as power. You lack
confidence and you smell funny.

Aries: Mar 20th - Apr 18th
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are
quick to reprimand, impatient, and scornful of advice. You do nothing
but **** off everyone you come into contact with. Basically you are a
prick.

Taurus: Apr 19th - May 19th
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
stick-to-it-ivness because you never do anything right the first time.
Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing
but an asshole.

Gemini: May 20th - Jun 20th
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little.
This means you are a cheap *******. Geminis are notorious for hitting
on their siblings.

Cancer: Jun 21st - Jul 21st
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems,
which make you a nosey prick. You always keep putting things off.
This is why you will always be on welfare, and won't be worth a turd.
Everybody in prison is a Cancer.

Leo: Jul 22nd - Aug 22nd
You consider yourself a born leader. Everyone thinks you are an
idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate
honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are thieving
dip****s and enjoy masturbating more than sex.

Virgo: Aug 23 - Sep 21st
You are a logical type and hate disorder. Your nit-picking attitude
is sickening to your coworkers. You are cold and unemotional and
often fall asleep during intercourse. Virgos make good bus drivers
and pimps.

Libra: Sep 21st - Oct 22nd
You are the artistic type and you have a difficult time with reality.
If you are a male, you are probably gay. Chances for employment and
monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are sluts. All Libras have a
venereal disease.

Scorpio: Oct 23rd - Nov 21st
The worst of the lot! You are shrewd in business and cannot be
trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your
total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most
Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius: Nov 22nd - Dec 20th
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to
rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarius'
are drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarius. You are a worthless piece of
crap.

Capricorn: Dec 21st - Jan 20th
You are conservative and are afraid of taking risks. You are
basically a chicken-****. There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance. You should kill yourself.