Will he be arrested soon for his narcotics ring?

Meet Thine Enemy Rush, to be cured at the hands of hippies.

It's true that Rush Limbaugh won't be going through cold, nasty,
state-funded drug treatment like his poorer fellow addicts–that is, in
the states that still have treatment slots open, as Republicans,
spurred by people like Limbaugh and his armies, have consistently put
the kibosh on government-funded drug programs. And yes, as a loaded,
white alleged buyer of illegal drugs he probably won't go to jail the
way a street addict would, though the maid he allegedly got to buy
illegal pain pills for him may be put in the can.

But after researching the place that Limbaugh reportedly checked into
for drug treatment, I'm convinced that if the treatment is successful,
he could be transformed into a being that is barely recognizable. In
this case, that can only be a good thing. After all, if Limbaugh has
been on synthetic heroin for years, foaming at the mouth and railing
against liberals, a detoxed Limbaugh might be defanged as well. (Makes
you wonder what Ann Coulter is on, eh?) That's not to mention that the
treatment center that sources told the New York Post he's entered is,
for him, the belly of the beast.

Previously, Limbaugh put himself into overnight detox–twice, we're
told–at the sterile, business-like, highly secretive Addiction
Recovery Institute in Manhattan. The rehab facility he's rumored to
have checked into now for 30 days, Sierra Tucson–which will neither
confirm nor deny that Limbaugh has checked in–is just outside of
Tucson in the Sonora Desert, a setting with a "quiet beauty, inherent
strength, and enduring ability to inspire," as described on the
facility's website. For a guy who has railed against "anti-people New
Age mystics," the "treatment modalities" at Sierra Tucson are
certainly enough to make his hair stand on end. It's also likely that
Limbaugh is being treated alongside the very Hollywood types he has
railed against for years, people who check in to discreet, upscale
rehab centers in the desert but tell themselves–and their friends–that
they're doing a spa vacation.

"Sierra Tucson utilizes many different types of therapeutic modalities
to access underlying issues," the website of the roughly $1000-a-day
treatment center explains. "Each modality is designed to unearth vital
information from different angles and pathways into one's self." (That
is all supposed to happen before you head on to the adjoining Miraval
Spa, a posh resort and sister company to Sierra Tucson, where you rest
up at after you've done your 30 days in the treatment center.)

From "psychodynamic role-playing and yoga" to "adventure therapy,"
"Climbing Wall," "the desert experience" and "equine-assisted therapy"
(yes, bonding with horses), Limbaugh may just think he died and went
to "feminazi" hell. The website depicts photos of people with a
decidedly Berkeley look sitting around on the floor in what seem like
consciousness-raising sessions. Picture Rush holding his fellow
travelers' hands and singing Kumbayah. Surely he'll be reciting a line
from the very president he lambasted for years: "I feel your pain."
How many on the right would have thought that Bill Clinton would be
getting the last chuckle, out there aiding his feminazi wife's
successful political career while their man Rush is wandering the
desert reciting New Age mantras?

"Self-discovery often crystallizes during an experience that requires
physical and mental exertion in the face of a potentially fearful
activity," the description for the Climbing Wall says. "With its
height and verticality, the Climbing Wall serves as an important
therapeutic metaphor."

Yes, I'm sure some of you would pay to watch Limbaugh scale that wall.
But me, I'd like to observe him during "creative expression therapy,"
which includes "art therapy, journaling, meditation" and "clap outs,
historygrams, reading assignments" as well as…"sculpting." These
techniques, the website explains, "deepen the journey to
self-discovery."

But it's the horse-bonding that really may change Rush's life.

"Equine-Assisted Therapy is an interactive therapy modality in which
participants work one-on-one with horses in a metaphoric experience."
Sounds kinky, but apparently there is an adult present. "This program
utilizes a trained equine therapist to help interpret behaviors, ask
questions, and facilitate the experience."

Phew. So, how does this therapy work?

"The process of working with the horse helps patients access their
wounds, identify dysfunctional behaviors in relationships, recognize
their effectiveness or ineffectiveness in setting appropriate
boundaries, and identify deep-seated issues that may not have been
brought to the surface with other therapeutic interventions. For
example, horses have an uncanny ability to sense deep human emotions
and can mirror a participant's mood or behavior."

Can you imagine the horse that mirrors Limbaugh's mood or behavior?
Get the hell out of the way!

"Through the interaction between the horse and the patient, a trained
therapist will ask questions based upon what is being revealed through
the ‘relationship,'" the description notes. "Through a series of
interactions, patients begin to understand destructive patterns of
their behavior."

All this while, activists were calling for advertiser boycotts of his
radio program in order to end the destructive patterns, and all they
had to do was get Limbaugh some equine-bonding at the local racetrack.
(Just don't bring high-roller Bill Bennett along.)

Then there is the Cognitive/Behavioral Therapy (CBT): "The major
philosophical assumption of CBT," Sierra Tucson's website explains,
"is that by changing individuals' thinking, their belief system, and,
in turn, their behavior is changed."

Changing Rush Limbaugh's belief system? Suddenly brainwashing seems
refreshing.

Another of the therapies, "experiential therapy," the website notes,
"was developed during the early 1970s," a decade that cannot be among
Limbaugh's favorites. "This type of therapy helps individuals
experience the issues they are dealing with through acting them out,
role-playing, guided imagery, projecting, and the use of props. By
physically, emotionally, and mentally expressing one's self,
individuals are assisted in unlocking hidden issues and in working
through them."

Surely Limbaugh has lots of hidden issues to work through–oh, to be a
fly on the wall during that therapy. Don't get me wrong: I'm not
meaning to belittle drug treatment, nor, certainly, drug addiction.
Quite to the contrary. Loopy as some of these therapies seem, I'm all
for whatever works. And I'm all for Limbaugh's potential
transformation from a fire-breathing dragon into a jellyfish or a
pussycat–or even an actual human being, as unlikely as any of that is
(particularly since some experts say 30 days isn't enough time to kick
OxyContin).

I'm also glad that the New Age mystics, the feminazis, the well-to-do
Hollywood types, the liberals whom he has claimed "coddle" people on
drugs and lots of others whom Limbaugh has attacked may now be helping
him out in Arizona. Let's see if he returns the favor.
http://www.nypress.com/16/43/news&columns/signorile.cfm

Michelangelo Signorile hosts a daily radio show on Sirius Satellite
Radio, stream 149. He can be reached at www.signorile.com.


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"drug users should be deported"

- Rush Limbaugh

"drug addicts should be sterilized" - Dr. Laura