i was sittin' here at the shop and thought to myself, i ain't read roff
lately. so i log in and lo_an_behold the first post i read is this
masterpiece.......

thankee juancito..... all is well with the world.

waldo


"Juancito" wrote in message
...
Well, I've got some new digs....quite settled in I am...

..and I've been taking my garbage across the street and feeding it to
my neighbor's pig. His name is Doodong or something like that.
Anyhow, I thought I'd be polite and ask him before I gave my leavings
to his pig and after failing to sell me the pig he said sure....it was
okay if I fed his pig...

Well, I had had a couple of cold ones and ... god only knows why... I
said, "Do you care if I kick it?"

Well...he didn't quite understand that...you'd have to be a real
'Lonsome dove' fan to get it....so I just started right on with the
story...

I told him I was from a little town called, 'Lonsome Dove' in the
state of Texas and that there it was customary to kick your pigs. Why,
I told him how some people pet dogs or feed cats and that down in
Lonseome Dove we'd kick our pigs...nothing hard, just a little nudge
in the morning as a way of saying you loved them....right before you
fed them. I went on to tell him how sometimes a farmer might come out
in the morning to feed his pigs and they would all be lined up right
in a row waiting to be kicked...

...ol' Doodong is looking at me rather incredulous so I just layed it
on thicker and heavier as I went...I kind of got up close to his ear
and told him as how some farmers thought it actually helped make for a
little more tender meat and gave him a wink...

sure as rain...I am sitting on the porch having my morning cofeethe
next day I see old Doodong kicking his pig...liked to bust a gut! ...I
mean he was making this pig have fall off the bone meat before you
even cooked the ribs!

A couple of days later i'm walking down to the corner to buy some
smokes and I see "another farmer" kicking his pig - I swear I've
started a trend!....and that got me to thinking...

In a maudlin sort of way I began to contemplate life....to think about
the 'bucket list' as it were....I've done most everything I've wanted,
and quite a few things I've only dreamed of and am now down to the
crazy sort of things I thought I'd never do in a million years....

So when my time comes I will go without complaint, and I'll be damend
if I 'm staying around long enough to lie in a nursing home and wear
adult diapers...not me, when the time comes I'll check out on the
meanest set of river rapids you ever saw...

...and THAT got me to thinking about the hereafter...not that I
believe in one, but if there be a hereafter, I've regreted all my sins
and atoned for those I could. I've tried to make little children
smile and regularly give money to the old widows begging on the
corner...I may not have any stars in my crown but in the end, I figure
I'm gonna be about even as a man can be...with one small problem..

How in heaven am I going to explain all the misery I've caused to all
those pigs....?

john