November 22, 2009

In ichthyological news today, scientist and Mark Twain impersonator
Wolfgang Siebeneich discovered that a ten-inch long carp can
comfortably accommodate a frankfurter, or wiener, in its mouth. Said
Siebeneich, "It is a great day. This discovery could lead to new uses
for carp, uses we have not yet even imagined."

Previously, scientists had thought this impossible, as a carp's mouth
was seen as too small. Siebeneich discovered that while a carp's
mouth is small, one only has to find a small enough wiener. "That's
the key," said Siebeneich. "If the wiener is too large, it simply
won't fit into the carp's mouth, no matter how hard you try. But once
you've located the right size wiener, it will fit quite comfortably."

Scientists are skeptical, having not actually seen the evidence that
it is possible. One colleague pointed out that Siebeneich has
performed the entire study in private, allowing no one to verify the
outcome. "He's very secretive," said the colleague. "He works very
late, with his office door locked. From all the noise he makes in
there, I assume he must be working very, very hard on this study.
When he finally comes out, he is often out of breath and red-faced."

In his work, Siebeneich experimented with a wide variety of fish, who
he has found to be much more pleasant to work with than the laboratory
rats he normally uses. "Rats just won't cooperate with this kind of
experimentation. You gotta have fish," said Siebeneich. "Our group
also studied catfish, which one might think would be good subjects.
Instead, we found that catfish mouths were much rougher than those of
a carp, and scraped our um, the frankfurters so badly that that
portion of the study had to be cancelled."

Trout also were scheduled to be studied, but Siebeneich was not able
to procure any of them despite trying for weeks, admitting that his
angling skills were sufficient only for catching carp and other rough
fish.

Siebeneich's discovery is not without controversy, according to
Siebeneich's colleague, Mark Bowen, an interior decorator. "I have
long claimed that you can not only fit a single wiener into a ten-inch
carp's mouth: you can actually fit two! I have talked with Siebeneich
about a future exploration into this line of thinking. I'm sure that
if one were to slide them in carefully, and maybe wiggle them around
some, that they would both fit."

Siebeneich however has his doubts. "Mark believes that two wieners
will fit in there, provided that they are sufficiently small. Mark
drinks a lot, and I just don't see it happening. But I've been wrong
before, and perhaps the only way to know for sure is to give it a
try. I look forward to working intimately with Mark on this issue."

In the future, Siebeneich is excited to contemplate studying other
types of animals, particularly goats, using the techniques he has
learned with carp. "I've always had a fascination with goats," he
says. "My past studies with pigs should provide useful insight into
just how to make it work with goats."