Friday, March 26, 2010

New Rule: You Can't Use "There Will Be No Cooperation for the Rest of
the Year"...

New Rule: You can't use the statement "there will be no cooperation for
the rest of the year" as a threat if there was no cooperation in the
first half of the year. Here's a word the president should take out of
his teleprompter: bipartisanship. People only care about that in theory,
not in practice. The best thing that's happened this year is when
President Obama finally realized this and said, "Kiss my black ass,
we're going it alone, George W. Bush style."

Two months ago, conservative Fred Barnes wrote, "The health care bill is
dead with not the slightest prospect of resurrection." Well, if it's
dead, you just got your ass kicked by a zombie named Nancy Pelosi.
Seriously, the last time a Democrat showed balls like that John Edwards'
girlfriend was filming it. Make all the botox jokes and
she-shops-too-much jokes you want, but this is the biggest political
victory a woman has ever achieved in America. Yes, Nancy Pelosi likes
nice clothes. So does Sarah Palin. The difference is Nancy Pelosi pays
for hers.

But even before the Democrats got to take a single victory lap they were
already being warned not to get used to the feeling, and not to get
drunk with power. I disagree. All you Democrats: do a shot, and then do
another. Get drunk on this feeling of not backing down and doing what
you came to Washington to do.

Democrats should not listen to the people who are now saying they
shouldn't attempt anything else big for a while because health care was
such a bruising battle. Wrong -- because I learned something watching
the lying bullies of the Right lose this one: when they're losing, they
squeal like a pig. They kept saying things like, the bill was being
"shoved down our throats" or the Democrats were "ramming it through."
The bill was so big they couldn't take it all at once!

And I realized listening to this rhetoric that it reminded me of
something: Tiger Woods' text messages to his mistress that were made
public last week, where he said, and I quote, "I want to treat you
rough, throw you around, spank and slap you and make you sore. I want to
hold you down and choke you while I **** that ass that I own. Then I'm
going to tell you to shut the **** up while I slap your face and pull
your hair for making noise." Unquote.

And this, I believe, perfectly represents the attitude Democrats should
now have in their dealings with the Republican Party: "Shut the **** up
while I slap your face for making noise -- now pass a cap-and-trade law,
you stupid bitch, and repeat after me: 'global warming is real!'"

The Democrats need to push the rest of their agenda while their boot is
on the neck of the greedy, poisonous old reptile. Who cares if a
cap-and-trade bill isn't popular, neither was health care. Your poll
numbers may have descended a bit, but so did your testicles.

So don't stop: we need to regulate the banks, we need to overhaul
immigration, we need to end corporate welfare including at the Pentagon,
we need to bring troops home from... everywhere, we need to end the drug
war, and we need to put terrorists and other human rights violators on
trial in civilian courts, starting with Dick Cheney.

Democrats in America were put on earth to do one thing: drag the
ignorant hillbilly half of this country into the next century, which in
their case is the 19th -- and by passing health care, the Democrats
saved their brand. A few months ago, Sarah Palin mockingly asked them,
"How's that hopey-changey thing working out for ya?" Great, actually.
Thanks for asking. And how's that whole Hooked on Phonics thing working
out for you?

Posted by Bill Maher at 10:47 PM