Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlem...sheesh, it's too early for
bald-faced lies... To paraphrase one hack(and slick son of a bitch, I
might add) writer, I feel like a monster reincarnation of Captain
Kangaroo and just total enough to be confidently twisted...

On tonight's "Must see ROFF-TV!" schedule, we have some real treats for
you:

8-9PM Eastern, 7-8PM Central, "The Nick and Jessica Variety Show," with
the part of Jessica being played some broad in a bikini, with a dildo in
one hand and a flyrod in her mouth, and Nick being played by a variety
of lechers. Let's take a sneak peek:

"HI! Nick, er, Opie, er, Frank, er, wayno, er, who-ev-ER!"

"HI! Jess...HEY! Wait a flockin' minute! You ain't no 22 year old
blonde hottie with big ol' titties! I want my blonde hottie titties,
dammit!"

"Sorry, Nic..er, who-ev-ER, but this is ROFFTV, not MTV, so you get the
ROFF version...anyway, Nic...er, who-ev-ER, what's with this flyfishing
stuff? I don't want to fish for flies...."

"No, Jess...er, titless, you don't fish FOR flies, you fish WITH
flies..."

"I don't like flies, who-ev-ER, they're ICKY!"

"Look, you stupid bitch, not REAL flies, tied ones..."

"Gee, who-ev-ER, I'm confused...if I want fish, I'll get some Chicken of
the Sea - everybody tells me it's not really chicken, but the cans draw
flies...HEY! I have an idea..."

"God help us all..."

"Can we use those sea chicken flies to get more fish? Oooh,
lobster...can we use the chicken flies to get some lobster...I like
lobster...and Gucci...can we get Gucci chicken lobster flies?"

"Sure, put on your bikini, I'll get you a paper bag, and we'll go to the
beach...maybe there'll be some hot titties to gawk at there..."

Tonight's episode also features the Jacques Inhoff Dancers, i.e., the
ies, Stevie, Wolfie,and Kennie, in a stirring tribute to the Stanleys,
Donan and Kubrick, in their version of "Singin' in the Rain," which they
call "****in' on my Shoes." Let's take a sneak peek:

(cut away to the boys in their longjohns and weird "Clockwork Orange"
sumo jock-thongs and twirling wading staffs, as they break into song...)

Ta-te-taa-ta, ta-te-taa-ta

"I'm ****in' on my shoes,
Just ****in' on my shoes,
What a glorious feeling,
I'm happy again!
I'm starin' at clouds
So dark up above,
The hate's in my heart and I'm loaded with booze!
Let our stormy clouds chase
Everyone from the place,
Come on with your ****,
I've got a smirk on my face!
I'll wander, never snooze
I'm probably the booze,
Just ****in', ****in' on my shoes!"

Ta-te-taa-ta, ta-te-taa-ta

The episode also features Charlie Choc as Artie Johnson, popping in from
time to time, dressed like Hermann Goering, with attempts at pithy
one-liners, as Nick and Jess, er, Titless and Lech-o-th-moment, trade
witty banter...let's take a..., well, you know...:

"Gee, who-ev-ER, that's a mighty big rod..."

"Er, Titless, it's yours...and it's a 4 D-cell'er"

"Oooooohsqueal"

"Verrry innterethhting...."



9-10 Eastern, 8-9 Central, It's "Who's Line Weight Is It, Anyway?"
featuring a whole host of characters, half wandering around with scales,
looking like confused drug dealers and the other half wandering around
with unlined rods, looking like confusion dealers on drugs:

"Psst, buddy, I got PURE AFTMA here...142.5 grains...just $47.50USD"

"****, boy, I can HGH or FAAQ 3.141592 Rocket Redass over on the other
corner from my homie Cortlin' for $45.00"

"****, that scwag that nigga sells ain't AFTMA!"

"**** you niggas! I'm the OG here, and I - ME - Fat Taper Slim Enema-M,
is da nigga that tells you gangsta wannabes what the sizell is on your
linezel, you dig, niggas!"

Whereupon, as if cued by the music, Vanilla Ice's remake of Milli
Vanilli's "Girl, You Know It's True," the whole crew pulls gats and
starts shooting...fortunately, with all being more mouth than aim or
skill, everyone, including various barns and their broadsides, remains
unscathed...

"Play nice, nice baby...Vanilla with a nine...gunshots rang out like a
bell, dropped my nine, all I heard was ****...splashin'....in my
pants...can I have word with my mommy?..."

10-11 Eastern, 9-10 Central, "The McLaughin Group" with the moderator,
John McLaughin, played by "Cyli"...

"OK, first of all, I'MMMMM ALLLLWAAAAYS RIIIIIGHT, but let's see if you
folks can measure up...Ellenor Clif..er, Ken Fort, er, you liberal bitch
over there, what's your opinion of Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton, Coors
and Budweiser, and unpretentious little bistros and TGIFriday's?"

"**** YOU, JOHN!!"

"WRONG! Pat Buchan...er, BJ, what do think?

"Whel, John, er, Silly, I thunk that wayno and jeffie are laywers, and
thats' dab, er, blad...and old yeah, Pat, er, Ken is communest!"

"WRONG! Jack-y Germo..er, Louie, what do you think?

SNORE "huh, whatzit...?" SNORE

"WRONG...er, no, actually, RIGHT! Freddie the beetle Bar...er,
Dav...er, 'tripper, what's your take? 30 seconds..."

"Are you on, drugs, John? I am!"

"BYE-BYE!"


HTH,
R
of course, this ain't all, girls...