History of man

NOW IT MAKES SENSE

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages
were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.
The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of
Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule
because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone
who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They
crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying
to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before
forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately
to other true believers and to more liberals just to **** them off.

--
Rodney Long,
Inventor of the Mojo SpecTastic "WIGGLE" rig, SpecTastic Thread,
Nutri Shield insect repellent. ,Stand Out Hooks ,Stand Out Lures,
Mojo's Rock Hopper & Rig Saver weights, and the EZKnot
http://www.ezknot.com

Rodney Long wrote:


NOW IT MAKES SENSE
snip

Dear Red States,

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided
we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue
States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get WalMart.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay
their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian
Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single
moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war,
and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you
need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.

They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their
children's caskets coming home.

We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but
we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of
the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and
lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's
quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent
of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S.
low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy
and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs),
92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes,
90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists,
virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones
University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless
we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that
evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11
and 61 percent of you crazy *******s believe you are people with higher
morals than we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico.

"Ken Fortenberry" wrote in message
Dear Red States,

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided
we're leaving.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

Ken Lay died last July. His conviction was vacated. There was no Corpus to
Habeus.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

Gee Ken, what was left of WorldCom was sold off to Verizon last January. It
is not part of MCI any longer.


We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.


Best looking women in the world go to Ole' Miss. I've seen the gals at
Harvard. I think your population replacement rates are going to implode.


We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get
Alabama.


Alabama may be the best BassFishin' state in the country.


We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay
their fair share.


Won't have to pay many taxes once we get rid of all those pinko social
programs.



With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of
the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and
lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's
quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of
all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S.
low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy
and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

Golly Ken, please don't go. I can't stand to lose access to all that
wonderful pineapple and lettuce. You can also forget the water resources.
I have already organized insurgency cells to take control of the Great
Lakes. It is well demonstrated that Libs cannot deal with any armed
conflict so the resident Libs in this area will cut and run to the coast(s)
as soon as we light up a few.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico.

This explains quite a bit actually.

Ken, didn't take much for ol' Rodney to hook you up good. Merry Christmas.

Nothin like ringing in the New Year with a totally inappropriate thread for
this newsgroup.

Bah Humbug...

Warren

"johnval1" wrote in message
m...

"Ken Fortenberry" wrote in message
Dear Red States,

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided
we're leaving.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

Ken Lay died last July. His conviction was vacated. There was no Corpus
to Habeus.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

Gee Ken, what was left of WorldCom was sold off to Verizon last January.
It is not part of MCI any longer.


We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.


Best looking women in the world go to Ole' Miss. I've seen the gals at
Harvard. I think your population replacement rates are going to implode.


We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get
Alabama.


Alabama may be the best BassFishin' state in the country.


We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay
their fair share.


Won't have to pay many taxes once we get rid of all those pinko social
programs.



With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of
the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and
lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's
quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of
all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S.
low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy
and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

Golly Ken, please don't go. I can't stand to lose access to all that
wonderful pineapple and lettuce. You can also forget the water resources.
I have already organized insurgency cells to take control of the Great
Lakes. It is well demonstrated that Libs cannot deal with any armed
conflict so the resident Libs in this area will cut and run to the
coast(s) as soon as we light up a few.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico.

This explains quite a bit actually.

Ken, didn't take much for ol' Rodney to hook you up good. Merry
Christmas.

johnval1 wrote:
snip
Ken, didn't take much for ol' Rodney to hook you up good. Merry Christmas.

And I didn't even have to twitch the fly to get a rise out
of you. Happy Holidays to you John.

--
Ken Fortenberry

WARREN WOLK wrote:
Nothin like ringing in the New Year with a totally inappropriate thread for
this newsgroup.

Bah Humbug...

Tell you what, you report Rodney to the Net Kops for
posting off-topic and I'll turn you in for top-posting. ;-)

And just to get back on-topic, here's an old shot of a
Blue State steelhead. ;-)

--
Ken Fortenberry

Uh oh, WARREN, Opus will come down on you for that comment. He scans this
group for Usenet infractions, and issues citations...

Merry Christmas,

Doug


"WARREN WOLK" wrote in message
news:9%vjh.3093$6Z5.2364@trndny01...
Nothin like ringing in the New Year with a totally inappropriate thread
for this newsgroup.

Bah Humbug...

Warren

WARREN WOLK wrote:
Nothin like ringing in the New Year with a totally inappropriate thread for
this newsgroup.

Fishing was "mentioned" in that post :-)


--
Rodney Long,
Inventor of the Mojo SpecTastic "WIGGLE" rig, SpecTastic Thread,
Nutri Shield insect repellent. ,Stand Out Hooks ,Stand Out Lures,
Mojo's Rock Hopper & Rig Saver weights, and the EZKnot
http://www.ezknot.com

One turn deserves another ;-)

"A DAY IN THE LIFE OF RODNEY REPUBLICAN"

Rodney gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his
morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging
liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow
of water, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take
because some stupid commie liberal fought to ensure their safety and that
they work as advertised.

All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan
because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical
insurance - now Rodney gets it too.

He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Rodney's bacon is safe to
eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat
packing industry.

In the morning shower, Rodney reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is properly
labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because
some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his
body and how much it contained.

Rodney dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is
clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for the laws to
stop industries from polluting our air.

He walks on the government-provided sidewalk to subway station for his
government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in
parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for
affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be
a contributor.

Rodney begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical
benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal
union members fought and died for these working standards. Rodney's employer
pays these standards because Rodney's employer doesn't want his employees to
call the union.

If Rodney is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll get a worker
compensation or unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn't think
he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

It is noontime and Rodney needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some
bills. Rodney's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some godless
liberal wanted to protect Rodney's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined
the banking system before the Great Depression.

Rodney has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market
federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Rodney and the
government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over
his lifetime. Rodney also forgets that his in addition to his federally
subsidized student loans, he attended a state funded university.

Rodney is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his
farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among
the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car
safety standards to go along with the tax-payer funded roads.

He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the
house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because bankers didn't want
to make rural loans.

The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck
his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification.

He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on
Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking,
cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Rodney
wouldn't have to.

Rodney gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show.
The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are
good. He doesn't mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against
every protection and benefit Rodney enjoys throughout his day. Rodney agrees:
"We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm
a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just
like I have."


Ripped off from somewhere or another....

/daytripper (Happy Holidays ;-)

daytripper wrote:
One turn deserves another ;-)

"A DAY IN THE LIFE OF RODNEY REPUBLICAN"
snip

LOL !! That's priceless. Thanks for that golden oldie.

--
Ken Fortenberry