Must ROFF-TV!! P.S. He's Baaaaaack.....

wrote in message
...
Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlem...sheesh, it's too early for
bald-faced lies... To paraphrase one hack(and slick son of a bitch,
I
might add) writer, I feel like a monster reincarnation of Captain
Kangaroo and just total enough to be confidently twisted...

On tonight's "Must see ROFF-TV!" schedule, we have some real treats
for
you:

8-9PM Eastern, 7-8PM Central, "The Nick and Jessica Variety Show,"
with
the part of Jessica being played some broad in a bikini, with a
dildo in
one hand and a flyrod in her mouth, and Nick being played by a
variety
of lechers. Let's take a sneak peek:

"HI! Nick, er, Opie, er, Frank, er, wayno, er, who-ev-ER!"

"HI! Jess...HEY! Wait a flockin' minute! You ain't no 22 year old
blonde hottie with big ol' titties! I want my blonde hottie
titties,
dammit!"

"Sorry, Nic..er, who-ev-ER, but this is ROFFTV, not MTV, so you get
the
ROFF version...anyway, Nic...er, who-ev-ER, what's with this
flyfishing
stuff? I don't want to fish for flies...."

"No, Jess...er, titless, you don't fish FOR flies, you fish WITH
flies..."

"I don't like flies, who-ev-ER, they're ICKY!"

"Look, you stupid bitch, not REAL flies, tied ones..."

"Gee, who-ev-ER, I'm confused...if I want fish, I'll get some
Chicken of
the Sea - everybody tells me it's not really chicken, but the cans
draw
flies...HEY! I have an idea..."

"God help us all..."

"Can we use those sea chicken flies to get more fish? Oooh,
lobster...can we use the chicken flies to get some lobster...I like
lobster...and Gucci...can we get Gucci chicken lobster flies?"

"Sure, put on your bikini, I'll get you a paper bag, and we'll go to
the
beach...maybe there'll be some hot titties to gawk at there..."

Tonight's episode also features the Jacques Inhoff Dancers, i.e.,
the
ies, Stevie, Wolfie,and Kennie, in a stirring tribute to the
Stanleys,
Donan and Kubrick, in their version of "Singin' in the Rain," which
they
call "****in' on my Shoes." Let's take a sneak peek:

(cut away to the boys in their longjohns and weird "Clockwork
Orange"
sumo jock-thongs and twirling wading staffs, as they break into
song...)

Ta-te-taa-ta, ta-te-taa-ta

"I'm ****in' on my shoes,
Just ****in' on my shoes,
What a glorious feeling,
I'm happy again!
I'm starin' at clouds
So dark up above,
The hate's in my heart and I'm loaded with booze!
Let our stormy clouds chase
Everyone from the place,
Come on with your ****,
I've got a smirk on my face!
I'll wander, never snooze
I'm probably the booze,
Just ****in', ****in' on my shoes!"

Ta-te-taa-ta, ta-te-taa-ta

The episode also features Charlie Choc as Artie Johnson, popping in
from
time to time, dressed like Hermann Goering, with attempts at pithy
one-liners, as Nick and Jess, er, Titless and Lech-o-th-moment,
trade
witty banter...let's take a..., well, you know...:

"Gee, who-ev-ER, that's a mighty big rod..."

"Er, Titless, it's yours...and it's a 4 D-cell'er"

"Oooooohsqueal"

"Verrry innterethhting...."



9-10 Eastern, 8-9 Central, It's "Who's Line Weight Is It, Anyway?"
featuring a whole host of characters, half wandering around with
scales,
looking like confused drug dealers and the other half wandering
around
with unlined rods, looking like confusion dealers on drugs:

"Psst, buddy, I got PURE AFTMA here...142.5 grains...just $47.50USD"

"****, boy, I can HGH or FAAQ 3.141592 Rocket Redass over on the
other
corner from my homie Cortlin' for $45.00"

"****, that scwag that nigga sells ain't AFTMA!"

"**** you niggas! I'm the OG here, and I - ME - Fat Taper Slim
Enema-M,
is da nigga that tells you gangsta wannabes what the sizell is on
your
linezel, you dig, niggas!"

Whereupon, as if cued by the music, Vanilla Ice's remake of Milli
Vanilli's "Girl, You Know It's True," the whole crew pulls gats and
starts shooting...fortunately, with all being more mouth than aim or
skill, everyone, including various barns and their broadsides,
remains
unscathed...

"Play nice, nice baby...Vanilla with a nine...gunshots rang out like
a
bell, dropped my nine, all I heard was ****...splashin'....in my
pants...can I have word with my mommy?..."

10-11 Eastern, 9-10 Central, "The McLaughin Group" with the
moderator,
John McLaughin, played by "Cyli"...

"OK, first of all, I'MMMMM ALLLLWAAAAYS RIIIIIGHT, but let's see if
you
folks can measure up...Ellenor Clif..er, Ken Fort, er, you liberal
bitch
over there, what's your opinion of Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton,
Coors
and Budweiser, and unpretentious little bistros and TGIFriday's?"

"**** YOU, JOHN!!"

"WRONG! Pat Buchan...er, BJ, what do think?

"Whel, John, er, Silly, I thunk that wayno and jeffie are laywers,
and
thats' dab, er, blad...and old yeah, Pat, er, Ken is communest!"

"WRONG! Jack-y Germo..er, Louie, what do you think?

SNORE "huh, whatzit...?" SNORE

"WRONG...er, no, actually, RIGHT! Freddie the beetle Bar...er,
Dav...er, 'tripper, what's your take? 30 seconds..."

"Are you on, drugs, John? I am!"

"BYE-BYE!"


HTH,
R
of course, this ain't all, girls...

...."Nah", says St. Peter, clearly bored and disgusted, "He IS
Dickie.....he THINKS he's Hunter S. Hemingway".

Wolfgang
a year long sabbatical to write a magnum opus and he comes back with
four minutes worth of the same old tired shtick.......tsk, tsk.....the
macarthurs are gonna be SO not pleased.

On Mon, 14 Jun 2004 07:37:22 -0500, "Wolfgang" wrote:


..."Nah", says St. Peter, clearly bored and disgusted, "He IS
Dickie.....he THINKS he's Hunter S. Hemingway".

Wolfgang
a year long sabbatical to write a magnum opus and he comes back with
four minutes worth of the same old tired shtick.......tsk, tsk.....the
macarthurs are gonna be SO not pleased.

WRITE it? Oh, man, somebody DID say something about "finishing" and
"magnums," but I thought they meant drink Krug and blast the empties
with a Smith and Wesson...ah, well, case of syrah, case of syrah...and
what's up with those heathens at the Foundation anyway...all I said was
that PBS needed more shows about Paris, and they agreed, so I gave them
the tape, and, sheesh, you'd have thought I farted in church or
something...OK, so granted, the lighting is weak and the sound is
marginal, but, hey, it doesn't leave anything to the imagination...but
her answering the cell phone WAS distracting...

TC,
R
....but ol' Ken (Burns, not Farthingale) and I have a masterpiece in the
wings..."Ken's (Farthingale, not Burns) Southern Journeys," with Gilbert
Gottfreid doing the voice of Ken...Farthingale, not Burns...Emmys, here
we come!