Forgotten Treasures #6: THE ACUTE ANGLER

From:
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Vol. 156. February 19, 1919

Authorship unattributed.

THE ACUTE ANGLER.



The Colonel of our Reserve Battalion has an almost unique reputation as an
angler. Scattered elements of the regiment carry his piscatorial heroics to
obscure corners of the earth. Majors on the Pushti Kuli range recount the
episode of the ingenuous troutling which, having apparently conceived a
violent passion for the Colonel, literally forced itself upon the hook seven
times within a short afternoon. Captains on the Sultanitza Planina rehearse
the epic incidents of how the Colonel snatched victory from defeat after
pursuing for three miles an infuriated pike which had wrenched the very rod
from his grasp. Subalterns in the chill wilds of Cologne, adding picturesque
details to an already artistic story, relate how he hooked a mighty veteran
carp near Windsor, and played it for nine full hours (with a rest of ten
minutes after the first, and five after each successive hour); how, under a
full moon, he eventually grounded it on the Blackfriars' mud and beached it
with a last effort; how they lay panting side by side for a space, and how,
finally, with the courtesy due to an honourable foe from a gallant victor,
he forced neat brandy down its throat and returned it to its domain in a
slightly inebriated but wholly grateful condition.



Consequently the Colonel's announcement that in view of the armistice he
intended to spend three days in fishing the waters of a friend's estate was
received by the Mess with lively satisfaction. An overwhelming fish diet was
deprecated, but it was generally held that the honour of the regiment was in
some way involved, and the Major felt it his duty to escort his senior
officer on an expedition of such gravity.



It transpired that the first day was unfortunate. The Colonel was silently
impolite throughout Mess and retired immediately afterwards. The Major
explained that the conditions had been adverse. The punt leaked at the end
depressed by the Colonel and the ground-bait had been left behind. The wind
was fierce and cutting, and the brandlings had been upset into the
luncheon-basket. In addition the Colonel's reel had escaped into the river
and had declined to give itself up until the whole length of line had been
hauled in; and, in leaning over the side to reclaim it, his gold
fountain-pen had vanished. Five hooks had failed to return from the deep and
two were left suspended from inaccessible branches; Also in the Major's
opinion there was not a single fish in the river.



By breakfast the Colonel had regained his spirits. He commented on the lack
of support given him by the Major, and in his place invited the Adjutant on
the ground that he was probably less clumsy. He remarked that the offensive
had not yet opened and that the previous day had been mainly devoted to a
thorough reconnaissance of the whole sector. He had reason to believe that
the enemy was present in considerable force.



The second day proved equally unfortunate. The Colonel took his dinner in
private, and the Mess orderly, who had dismally cut the two of clubs in the
kitchen, returned from his ministrations a complete nervous wreck. The
Adjutant explained that misfortune had followed misfortune. They had barely
settled down midstream, and he was in the act of extracting a hook from the
Colonel's finger with his jack-knife, when the punt broke from its moorings
and carried them half-a-mile downstream. It was uncanny how the craft had
contrived to navigate four bends without giving an opportunity of landing.
In the afternoon they had fished from the bank, and the Colonel had fallen
asleep while the Adjutant mounted guard. The Adjutant protested that it was
not his fault that the float suddenly disappeared, or that the Colonel, on
being vigorously awakened by him, struck so violently at what proved to be a
dead branch that he lost his footing and tobogganned heavily into the river,
and was compelled to waste three hours in the neighbouring hostelry taking
precautions against a chill.



At breakfast next morning the Colonel intimated that on this his last day he
would go unaccompanied. With one eye on the Major and the other on the
Adjutant, he passed a few remarks on the finesse of fishing. The element of
surprise should be the basis of attack. Precision and absolute secrecy in
the carrying out of preliminary operations was vital. Every trick and every
device of camouflage should be brought into play. There should be no violent
preliminary bombardment of ground-bait to alarm the hostile forces, but the
sector should be unostentatiously registered on the preceding night. The
enemy's first realisation of attack should be at that moment when resistance
was futile-though for his part he preferred a foe that would fight to the
fish-basket, as it were. He thought the weather was vastly improved and
admitted that his hopes were high.



In the evening the Colonel positively swaggered into Mess. He radiated good
fellowship and even bandied witticisms with the junior subaltern in an
admirable spirit of give-and-take. He had enjoyed excellent sport. Later, in
the ante-room, he delivered a useful little homily on the surmounting of
obstacles, on patience, on presence of mind and on nerve, copiously
illustrated from a day's triumph that will resound on the Murman coast as
the unconditional surrender of the intimidated roach. He described how he
had cunningly outmanoeuvred the patrols, defeated the vigilance of the
pickets, pierced the line of resistance, launched a surprise attack on the
main body, and spread panic in the hearts of the hostile legions.



Unhappily for us, common decency, he said, had forced him to present his
catch to his friend.

__________________________________________________ _______



End, THE ACUTE ANGLER.



Wolfgang
This work is in the public domain. According to the license agreement at my
source, I may not name that source here without including the entire license
agreement......which is much too long and dull. To the best of my
knowledge, the use of this material here does not violate either that
agreement or U.S. copyright law.