ROFF

The benefit that comes form reading ROFF is not so much for the wisdom of
the posts, or the Zen like quality of the subject headers, no the true
benefit is the surreal thread drift practiced here.

"Skwala" wrote in message
...
The benefit that comes form reading ROFF is not so much for the wisdom of
the posts, or the Zen like quality of the subject headers, no the true
benefit is the surreal thread drift practiced here.

One can almost compare it to dead drifting.
-tom

Skwala wrote:
The benefit that comes form reading ROFF is not so much for the wisdom of
the posts, or the Zen like quality of the subject headers, no the true
benefit is the surreal thread drift practiced here.

This is no game. You might think this is a game, but, trust me, this is
no game.

This is not something where rock beats scissors or paper covers rock or
rock wraps itself up in paper and gives itself as a present to scissors.
This isn’t anything like that. Or where paper types something on itself
and sues scissors.

This isn’t something where you yell “Bingo!” and then it turns out you
don’t have bingo after all, and what are the rules again? This isn’t
that, my friend.

This isn’t something where you roll the dice and move your battleship
around a board and land on a hotel and act like your battleship is
having sex with the hotel.

This isn’t tiddlywinks, where you flip your tiddly over another player’s
tiddly and an old man winks at you because he thought it was a good
move. This isn’t that at all.

This isn’t something where you sink a birdie or hit a badminton birdie
or do anything at all with birdies. Look, just forget birdies, O.K.?

Maybe you think this is all one big joke, like the farmer with the
beautiful but promiscuous daughter. But what they don’t tell you is the
farmer became so depressed that he eventually took his own life.

This is not some brightly colored, sugarcoated piece of candy that you
can brush the ants off of and pop in your mouth.

This is not playtime or make-believe. This is real. It’s as real as a
beggar squatting by the side of the road, begging, and then you realize,
Uh-oh, he’s not begging.

This is as real as a baby deer calling out for his mother. But his
mother won’t be coming home anytime soon, because she is drunk in a bar
somewhere.

It’s as real as a mummy who still thinks he’s inside a pyramid, but he’s
actually in a museum in Ohio.

This is not something where you can dress your kid up like a hobo and
send him out trick-or-treating, because, first of all, your kid’s
twenty-three, and, secondly, he really is a hobo.

All of this probably sounds oldfashioned and “square” to you. But if
loving your wife, your country, your cats, your girlfriend, your
girlfriend’s sister, and your girlfriend’s sister’s cat is “square,”
then so be it.

You go skipping and prancing through life, skipping through a field of
dandelions. But what you don’t see is that on each dandelion is a bee,
and on each bee is an ant, and the ant is biting the bee and the bee is
biting the flower, and if that shocks you then I’m sorry.

You have never had to struggle to put food on the table, let alone put
food on a plate and try to balance it on a spoon until it gets to your
mouth.

You will never know what it’s like to work on a farm until your hands
are raw, just so people can have fresh marijuana. Or what it’s like to
go to a factory and put in eight long hours and then go home and realize
that you went to the wrong factory.

I don’t hate you; I pity you. You will never appreciate the magnificent
beauty of a double rainbow, or the plainness of a regular rainbow.

You will never grasp the quiet joy of holding your own baby, or the
quiet comedy of handing him back to his “father.”

I used to be like you. I would put my napkin in my lap, instead of
folding it into a little tent over my plate, like I do now, with a door
for the fork to go in.

I would go to parties and laugh—and laugh and laugh—every time somebody
said something, in case it was supposed to be funny. I would walk in
someplace and slap down a five-dollar bill and say, “Give me all you
got,” and not even know what they had there. And whenever I found two of
anything I would hold them up to my head like antlers, and then pretend
that one “antler” fell off.

I went waltzing along, not caring where I stepped or if the other person
even wanted to waltz.

Food seemed to taste better back then. Potatoes were more potatoey, and
turnips less turnippy.

But then something happened, something that would make me understand
that this is no game. I was walking past a building and I saw a man
standing high up on a ledge. “Jump! Jump!” I started yelling. What
happened next would haunt me for the rest of my days: the man came down
from the building and beat the living daylights out of me. Ever since
then, I’ve realized that this is no game.

Maybe one day it will be a game again. Maybe you’ll be able to run up
and kick a pumpkin without people asking why you did that and if you’re
going to pay for it.

Perhaps one day the Indian will put down his tomahawk and the white man
will put down his gun, and the white man will pick up his gun again
because, Ha-ha, sucker.

One day we’ll just sit by the fire, chew some tobacky, toast some
marshmackies, and maybe strum a tune on the ole guitacky.

And maybe one day we’ll tip our hats to the mockingbird, not out of fear
but out of friendliness.

If there’s one single idea I’d like you to take away from this, it is:
This is no game. The other thing I’d like you to think about is, could I
borrow five hundred dollars?

(Author’s Note: Since finishing this article, I have been informed that
this is, in fact, a game. I would like to apologize for everything I
said above. But please think about the five hundred dollars.)

-- Jack Handey

"Ken Fortenberry" wrote in message
. net...
Skwala wrote:
The benefit that comes form reading ROFF is not so much for the wisdom of
the posts, or the Zen like quality of the subject headers, no the true
benefit is the surreal thread drift practiced here.

This is no game. You might think this is a game, but, trust me, this is no
game.

This is not something where rock beats scissors or paper covers rock or
rock wraps itself up in paper and gives itself as a present to scissors.
This isn’t anything like that. Or where paper types something on itself
and sues scissors.

This isn’t something where you yell “Bingo!” and then it turns out you don’t
have bingo after all, and what are the rules again? This isn’t that, my
friend.

This isn’t something where you roll the dice and move your battleship
around a board and land on a hotel and act like your battleship is having
sex with the hotel.

This isn’t tiddlywinks, where you flip your tiddly over another player’s
tiddly and an old man winks at you because he thought it was a good move.
This isn’t that at all.

This isn’t something where you sink a birdie or hit a badminton birdie or
do anything at all with birdies. Look, just forget birdies, O.K.?

Maybe you think this is all one big joke, like the farmer with the
beautiful but promiscuous daughter. But what they don’t tell you is the
farmer became so depressed that he eventually took his own life.

This is not some brightly colored, sugarcoated piece of candy that you can
brush the ants off of and pop in your mouth.

This is not playtime or make-believe. This is real. It’s as real as a
beggar squatting by the side of the road, begging, and then you realize,
Uh-oh, he’s not begging.

This is as real as a baby deer calling out for his mother. But his mother
won’t be coming home anytime soon, because she is drunk in a bar
somewhere.

It’s as real as a mummy who still thinks he’s inside a pyramid, but he’s
actually in a museum in Ohio.

This is not something where you can dress your kid up like a hobo and send
him out trick-or-treating, because, first of all, your kid’s twenty-three,
and, secondly, he really is a hobo.

All of this probably sounds oldfashioned and “square” to you. But if
loving your wife, your country, your cats, your girlfriend, your
girlfriend’s sister, and your girlfriend’s sister’s cat is “square,” then
so be it.

You go skipping and prancing through life, skipping through a field of
dandelions. But what you don’t see is that on each dandelion is a bee, and
on each bee is an ant, and the ant is biting the bee and the bee is biting
the flower, and if that shocks you then I’m sorry.

You have never had to struggle to put food on the table, let alone put
food on a plate and try to balance it on a spoon until it gets to your
mouth.

You will never know what it’s like to work on a farm until your hands are
raw, just so people can have fresh marijuana. Or what it’s like to go to a
factory and put in eight long hours and then go home and realize that you
went to the wrong factory.

I don’t hate you; I pity you. You will never appreciate the magnificent
beauty of a double rainbow, or the plainness of a regular rainbow.

You will never grasp the quiet joy of holding your own baby, or the quiet
comedy of handing him back to his “father.”

I used to be like you. I would put my napkin in my lap, instead of folding
it into a little tent over my plate, like I do now, with a door for the
fork to go in.

I would go to parties and laugh—and laugh and laugh—every time somebody
said something, in case it was supposed to be funny. I would walk in
someplace and slap down a five-dollar bill and say, “Give me all you got,”
and not even know what they had there. And whenever I found two of
anything I would hold them up to my head like antlers, and then pretend
that one “antler” fell off.

I went waltzing along, not caring where I stepped or if the other person
even wanted to waltz.

Food seemed to taste better back then. Potatoes were more potatoey, and
turnips less turnippy.

But then something happened, something that would make me understand that
this is no game. I was walking past a building and I saw a man standing
high up on a ledge. “Jump! Jump!” I started yelling. What happened next
would haunt me for the rest of my days: the man came down from the
building and beat the living daylights out of me. Ever since then, I’ve
realized that this is no game.

Maybe one day it will be a game again. Maybe you’ll be able to run up and
kick a pumpkin without people asking why you did that and if you’re going
to pay for it.

Perhaps one day the Indian will put down his tomahawk and the white man
will put down his gun, and the white man will pick up his gun again
because, Ha-ha, sucker.

One day we’ll just sit by the fire, chew some tobacky, toast some
marshmackies, and maybe strum a tune on the ole guitacky.

And maybe one day we’ll tip our hats to the mockingbird, not out of fear
but out of friendliness.

If there’s one single idea I’d like you to take away from this, it is:
This is no game. The other thing I’d like you to think about is, could I
borrow five hundred dollars?

(Author’s Note: Since finishing this article, I have been informed that
this is, in fact, a game. I would like to apologize for everything I said
above. But please think about the five hundred dollars.)

-- Jack Handey

Why do you hate your mother?

Wayne reposted a hundred lines of text to add:

Why do you hate your mother?

Go crawl back under your rock, creep.

--
Ken Fortenberry