"slenon" wrote

The contest was never with companions or others
who had been there before me. It was always with myself,


That's exactly how I felt about climbing.

I've been very happy with myself when I backed off a move that logic told me
was too physically risky, even though I was afraid of seeming the coward to
"friends". And, I've been very proud of myself for quieting the physical
fear, forcing the trembling to stop, and making a sanely protected but very
difficult and scary
move.

I've been very displeased with Larry when he came down off a climb that was
reasonably safe and within his ability because he gave into physical fear.
And, I've been ****ed at myself for making a stupidly risky move because I
gave into the fear of peer pressure more than logic. I've never felt good
around mirrors after giving into fear, regardless of what type fear.

I never came even close to "bleeding edge" rock climbing, but I did push my
own limits very hard, and I feel good about having that in my past.

But, as I age, and give into fears that I would never have had when younger,
I am finding it somewhat emotionally difficult to deal with .... but it's
what I now am, ..... I can't pretend to be
otherwise.