The politics of nature

"Francis Reid" schrieb im Newsbeitrag
...
Frank Reid (who's seen a tofu in his cross hairs but COULDN'T kill
something that ugly)

If it´s in your cross-hairs just fall in and drown it!

It was kinda grey and bloated looking, something like a drowned corpse.
Is twice-drowned tofu like twice-baked potato? We'll ask Danl, he's an
Awnoldstanian and they are over-run with tofus on the left coast.
Frank Reid (thinking that Mike may be insinuating something about me and
drowning)

Once upon a time, my late wife decided that we needed to eat more "healthy"
stuff, and brought home a bag of tofu. ( There are a more than
insignificant number of nutcases extant, who consider such depressingly
defeatist insults and abject apologies for food "healthy", and have the
monumetal cheek to write books about it). Some apparently exist on
"Multi-vitamin"-juice, tofu, and wild rice. You can recognise them by the
smell.

It was a most peculiar colour, a sort of very unhealthy looking greyish
off-white, ( although it was more or less motionless, apart from a light but
disturbing oily sheen, evocative of old sump-oil in a muddy puddle, which
induced more than a touch of queasiness in the casual observer, except when
poked, upon which stimulation it displayed a most upsetting tendency to
"wobble"), it also tasted more or less as it looked. My wife, indefatigable
as she was, tried a number of recipes, fried, boiled, steamed, grilled,
tossed ( my favourite, and into the bloody garden, where even the cat
learned to fear it!), with various sauces and a host of "healthy"
ingredients.

This in no way improved the flavour, or the texture, which was somewhat
reminiscent of rubbery white china clay which has "gone off". ( You don´t
want to know how I know what white china clay tastes like!). You can tell it
has "gone off" by the fine coating of blueish grey hairs covering the
surface. ( The clay, not the tofu), Which doubtless some inventive, well
loved, but very badly fed soul has already tried to use as dubbing. Some
folks are simply unaware of the bounds of decency. Belly lint, sock fluff,
and jockey short scrapings, being of course well within such bounds.

Practically the only solution I found for the problem, was a bottle of
brandy, before I even attempted to consume the aforementioned abominations.
Another bottle immediately afterwards also helped to reduce the trauma
"after the fact". Best of all, was two bottles, one before, and one after
one had tossed the objectionable ordure in question into the rhododendrons.
( They have barely recovered in the meantime, although the cat is thriving!
I suspect he merely batted the stuff around for a while).

Personally, I would nevertheless have preferred the clay! Even with the
hairs.

Should you by any chance be one of those unfortunates who do not know what
love is, here is a perfect definition. Somebody who will eat the most
outlandish and disgusting material, or even in point of fact, tofu, of his
own free will, and simply to please his wife! Even though perfectly
reasonable comestibles are freely available at the time.

Having been the subject of various such experiments over the years, (
memorable were the "dried mashed potatoes with margarine", quite apart from
the immutable scars on my young palate, have you seen how margarine is made?
Or, horror of horrors! Smelled it ?). I am now resigned to the fact that I
will eventually die in a most unhealthy condition, possibly due to a surfeit
of garlic sausage, prawns Provencal in Irish butter with fresh herbs,
"Praguer Braten" (with crust), "Schweine Medaillons mit Waldpilze in Caramel
Soese", lobster thermidore, "Schwarwalder Kirschkuchen" with fresh cream,
coupled with copious quantities of white cider, single malt, port wine,
brandy, and coffee. Perhaps even the cheese and biscuits, or the after
dinner cigar. I will most certainly not die of a "surfeit of lampreys",
notwithstanding the fact that I am an angler, and indeed "a very honest
man", as they are in fact on a par with tofu, as far as the taste is
concerned. This however, would still be eminently preferable to dying
"healthy", due to a surfeit of tofu, assuming one had the stomach to eat
enough of the awful muck in the first place.

Anything grey and bloated looking, in one´s cross-hairs, or indeed in any
other hairs, must be dealt with immediately! If you decide to shoot it,
then aim carefully! You could of course simply try the time-honoured
method, rub twice daily with turpentine, take a course of penicillin, and
drink plenty of orange juice. I believe Laudanum was also at one time highly
recommended. This may however have deleterious effects on your casting
accuracy.

It occurred to me that you may simply have dropped something nasty ( tofu,
margarine, or some equally inedible mass, in your lap), before shooting
this, observe it carefully. If it moves, shoot it, if it does not move, then
simply scrape it off, and put it carefully on the side of your plate. This
may of course be a considerable faux pas, if some kind soul has merely
offered you a piece of really good cheese. There is no need to shoot this,
just close your mouth quickly, savour the flavour, and try to ignore the
obnoxious aroma. It helps ( at least a little) to hold your breath as well.
( If you decide to shoot it, this is also very good advice).

More or less all of the above also applies to cheap mozzarella, soya bean
"meat" ( Yeuchhhh!), nut cutlets, practically all manky Danish, Swedish, or
similar "rotten fish" ( regardless of the language, spelling, or age of the
can in question), that comes in cans, haggis, ( which smells like the
insides of an old bagpipe, which has not been "fed" regularly, and tastes
even worse), Swiss "Vergorene" milk drinks, (including the alcoholic type,
even though you never get drunk, as one sip is already more than any
sensible person can stomach!), and English white sliced bread.

Far be it from me to insinuate anything at all. As a rule, I just come
straight out and make a Pratt of myself. To date, this has not resulted in
my timely immortalisation, nay almost canonisation, for various acrobatic
and obviously impressive displays of involuted and ostensibly involuntary
submersion, ( which indeed, I hope someday to personally witness!). So
don´t drown just yet, I would like to live to see it, which of course
somewhat precludes your own demise.

If I were you, I would leave out the bloody tofu as well! Fairly shot, or
otherwise!

TL
MC

On Fri, 2 Jan 2004 21:12:27 +0100, "Mike Connor"
wrote:

If I were you, I would leave out the bloody tofu as well! Fairly shot, or
otherwise!

Many of the meals I had in Japan included a cube of tofu. When I was
done eating, the tofu had not been disturbed in any way. g
--
Charlie...

lid wrote...
Many of the meals I had in Japan included a cube of tofu. When I was
done eating, the tofu had not been disturbed in any way. g

I would sooner starve to death than eat a piece of tofu. I'll fight
ANYBODY that tries to feed me tofu. A good thrashing is far better
than eating tofu! g

Last week I was visiting the toads (nickname for parental units since
you need to kiss their arses to turn them into something nice:-) for
Xmas. My younger brother and his wife were also there and she is a
full on vegan; really, really nice girl other than being a tofu
sucking vegan. I was reaching into the fridge and talking to my
brother's friend who stopped by and mistakenly grabbed the tofu
instead of the prime rib left overs. It startled me and I yelled out
with a loud "Uhhhhhhh!" My mom asked what happened and I told her I
touched some tofu and she gave me a stern look then said "Shush!
Julie is in the next room!" I didn't need any further punishment;
touching the tofu being more than adequate.....
--
Warren (forever emotionally scarred by tofu)
(use troutbum_mt (at) yahoo to reply via email)
For Conclave Info:
http://www.geocities.com/troutbum_mt...nConclave.html

"Warren" wrote in message
...
lid wrote...
Many of the meals I had in Japan included a cube of tofu. When I was
done eating, the tofu had not been disturbed in any way. g

I would sooner starve to death than eat a piece of tofu. I'll fight
ANYBODY that tries to feed me tofu. A good thrashing is far better
than eating tofu! g

Last week I was visiting the toads (nickname for parental units since
you need to kiss their arses to turn them into something nice:-) for
Xmas. My younger brother and his wife were also there and she is a
full on vegan; really, really nice girl other than being a tofu
sucking vegan. I was reaching into the fridge and talking to my
brother's friend who stopped by and mistakenly grabbed the tofu
instead of the prime rib left overs. It startled me and I yelled out
with a loud "Uhhhhhhh!" My mom asked what happened and I told her I
touched some tofu and she gave me a stern look then said "Shush!
Julie is in the next room!" I didn't need any further punishment;
touching the tofu being more than adequate.....
--
Warren (forever emotionally scarred by tofu)

I have never understood why parents can't be nice to a child.

Wolfgang

"Wolfgang" schrieb im Newsbeitrag
...

I have never understood why parents can't be nice to a child.

Wolfgang



Still single eh?

TL
MC

"Mike Connor" wrote in message
...

"Wolfgang" schrieb im Newsbeitrag
...

I have never understood why parents can't be nice to a child.

Wolfgang



Still single eh?

TL
MC

Childless, anyway.

Op --thank goodness for women with taste--

"Guyz-N-Flyz" wrote in message
nk.net...

"Mike Connor" wrote in message
...

"Wolfgang" schrieb im Newsbeitrag
...

I have never understood why parents can't be nice to a child.

Wolfgang



Still single eh?

TL
MC

Childless, anyway.

Op --thank goodness for women with taste--

Well, actually, I'm at that age where a peephole in the front door is a very
handy thing. If whoever is standing on the stoop appears to be between the
ages of fifteen and thirty, and I don't know him or her, I pretend I'm not
home.

Wolfgang
beware of young strangers with glasses and a cheesy mustache!

"Guyz-N-Flyz" schrieb im Newsbeitrag
nk.net...

Op --thank goodness for women with taste--



Yeah well, taste is in the tongue of the beholder ??????

TL
MC

"Charlie Choc" schrieb im
Newsbeitrag ...
On Fri, 2 Jan 2004 21:12:27 +0100, "Mike Connor"
wrote:

If I were you, I would leave out the bloody tofu as well! Fairly shot,
or
otherwise!

Many of the meals I had in Japan included a cube of tofu. When I was
done eating, the tofu had not been disturbed in any way. g
--
Charlie...

Too right Charlie! I am in any case immediately suspicious of anything
which comes in "cubes", unless I have diced it myself!

Some years ago now, I had the doubtful but nevertheless vastly amusing,
indeed one might say abiding, pleasure of eating a "gourmet meal" in a very
"high class" restaurant, which shall remain nameless, in order to protect
the guilty.

The meal was memorable, indeed it is indelibly stamped in my memory. The
food was ****, but the meal was absolutely wonderful! Nevertheless, I
still thank my stars that my erstwhile employer actually paid the bill,
which was booked to my company credit card. I have it framed in a drawer
somewhere, as a constant tribute and reminder to the final fragility and
futility of human endeavour.

My company decided to invite all the technical managers and all the
technicians to a really good meal. ( Translation; "Really good"=
"ridiculously expensive"). All the guys were flown in from all over the
place. First class of course!

Several highlights of this unique experience come to mind.

Our worthy Dutch incumbent drank the finger bowl, and then asked for another
one, with an extra slice of lemon!

We were served with "Hechtbaellchen in Dillsoese". The then technical
manager for England asked for a translation, and upon being told that this
was "Pike balls in Dill sauce", expressed his disgust by saying "You mean
they cut the balls off just for this ****?". ( Obviously not an angler!).

Several of the assembled company were not at all "au fait" with the current
trends in "high society", and by about ten o´ clock in the evening, ( the
"meal" started at 20.00 hrs), were rather more than three sheets to the
wind.

This resulted in them asking for what they wanted, rather than asking for
what others might think they should order, or the most expensive item they
could find, presumably in the forlorn hope that it would be "good".

One can immediately tell when one is in a five star hotel ( even though this
experience might be a very seldom occurrence), when somebody asks for a
"Portion of chips with ketchup", and the waiter does not even blink. ( In
lesser establishments, the waiter raises at least an eyebrow!).

When one is served with freshly pressed orange juice, and the reaction is,
"Have you got any "Fanta", this stuff tastes watery, and there´s no bubbles
in it".

"French fries? What´s that, are there snails in it?. I ´m not eating any of
that slimey continental crap".

"****ing hell, I have not seen so many forks and spoons since my sister got
married!".

I made copious notes in my hotel room afterwards, shortly before my room was
invaded and the mini-bar plundered. It was a really succesful evening!

Having been self-employed for quite a number of years now, and indeed in the
meantime a "pensioner" as it were. There are some things I will always miss!

Even after all this time, I can not help occasionally engaging in pleasant
speculatory conjecture, what would have happened if they had served tofu
cubes and sushi? I reckon the fifteen mini-bars would have been empty
anyway!

Which reminds me of another most enjoyable experience at an "Empfang" in a
top Hamburg hotel, with the then American Ambassador, Richard Burt. My guys
all trooped in, amd sat at their appointed places. After interminable
speeches, the first course was served. This was raw cod slices in "American
Dressing" ( Admittedly a most unfortunate combination).

My chief technician at the time was moved to remark, at what he thought was
"sotto voce", but in reality was more like "fortissimo", "**** me gently".
"You´ld think a good restaurant would know how to cook a bit of bloody
fish!".

TL
MC

Laudanum ravings snipped
If I were you, I would leave out the bloody tofu as well! Fairly shot, or
otherwise!
TL
MC

Living around the world has enabled me to taste some truely incredible
foods, from the sublime (black angus 1/2 lb cheeseburge in the PI, on a
sweet role, with bacon), to balut (the PI version of the 1000 year egg).
One thing I do miss is eier likor torte. Tofu, on the other, doesn't even
make good compost (kinda like twinkies and cockroaches, never degrades).
--
Frank Reid
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